Saturday, February 18, 2017
Single Diaries #2: Sexual Liberation
I am a 22 year old with a sex drive, and I have done alot to try to curb it.
First and foremost , I am a Nigerian and a Christian
From a the time I can remember, being a virgin and abstaining from sex is something that has been preached to me all my life. For the past 22 years, I have worked very hard at trying to reach this goal of waiting till my wedding night.
I remember being 10 and thinking of having my first kiss in front of the church . At 17, I promised to abstain from sex in front of my mother.
I am older now. I got into sexual activities based on my very curious mind. My parents wouldn't talk to me about sex so I searched the next best thing that I could possibly think of: The Internet. One day, I got caught and slapped to the core of my body and honestly that was one of the worst days of my life. I swore to never look at porn or read eroticas anymore.
But then I went to university and I was finally free. I struggled with that promise but I never stopped trying. In my 3rd year I began to live a little on the edge and started experimenting. I didn't have sex but I slowly stopped controlling my sexual urges. By 4th year, I still had restrictions but I stopped trying to experiment as much.
I have graduated now and honestly, I still try to control my sexual urges... But now I am definitely reaching a brink
I want to have sex... (there I said it)
As crazy as it sounds, I have an inner freak in me that is dying to to be set free. I want to try a lot of things. I want to be sexually free. I'm not trying to be a prostitute but I want to experience all the emotions and feelings that come with sex.
But I cant seem to let myself go. My boundaries always restrict me. I still haven't had sex. But a part of me is fed up.
One twin really wants to wait for the one.. get married and then have sex. But the other twin (I'm a Gemini) Wants to be a freak.. try things, be sexual and sensual. She wants to try it all. She is dying on the inside and she is begging to be let out.
But every time I come to this crossroad, I am constantly reminded about the price I'll have to pay. What if I start having sex and then because of my body count I never get married. what if the one finds me and decides to label me as a whore. What if all the amazing sexual experiences i have enjoyed unable me enjoy or get satisfied with sleeping with my husband.
And there's the other side, What if I end up cheating on my husband because I didn't fully live out my whoring days. what if I marry a prude person that isn't ready to explore their sexuality and I end up being stuck as the perfect wife.
22 is the time to have sex and not feel guilty. To be sexually active and enjoy everything that comes with it. I'm not trying to have sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I just want to have sex and enjoy the experience of loving my body and loving myself. I want to know what gets me excited and what makes me orgasm. I want to be sexual and not feel guilty about being sexual. I want to love being sexual and not be ashamed of it.
I know Love may not come with it .. and i may never find love once i start fucking guys. but i think i need t get to a place where I am OK with that. and to be honest if i was to get married today, i would still want someone that could match y sex drive and wouldn't make me feel ashamed for wanting to have sex or try new sexual adventures.