SMILE

Im at a point in my life where a lot of things about relationships baffle me.
dont get me wrong.
Ive been out of the "market " for about two years. I gave my self enough time to heal and grow and develop and everyday I am greatful to God for developing me into the woman I have now become.
I went from the fat ignorant kid to the more self aware woman. Most importantly, I went from Hating to loving completely and that has been the biggest change for me

I met some... someones... a lot of someones...
In the past couple of months I have crushed on more guys than I can count, I have liked a lot more than I have liked in my entire life. I havent fallen in Love but I have been open, let my guard and defences down and Ive decided to just let things flow.

But there is this one... I cant wrap my head around it... Hes perfect in everyway except one. HEs a self acclaimed ASHEWO. I know it, everyone knows it but its weird. I know I cant have a future with him and I know that we will never work out and I know I should just carry my slippers and run ... but everytime I think of him, I Smile :) .. I smile sooo hard I think my cheeks are going to hurt and I dream. I dream about something that'll never exist.

I really dont understand how this whole thing works but its crazy... I admit, I get jealous when I see him with other girls or when I hear about other girls... Ive been honest with him. Told him I liked Him and He told me it would never work and I accept it.

I know he isnt the one... everything in me knows but he still makes me smile and jealous and angry. He brings out every single emotion. and then I look at him and pardon my language but I just want to say FUCK YOU!

Fuck you for making me feel this way, fuck you for being an asshole. fuck you for existing. fuck you for being in my circle and denying me the opportunity to toally cut you off so i can move on with my life. fuck you for being you. FUCK YOU!

We will never be. I need time for my subconcious to process it. the other day my friend said she wouldnt wish for him to be with her worst enemy talkless of her friend. and I laughed cos I knew I wouldnt wish him on any of my friends either. HE IS THE WORST.

I guess for now I'll keep smiling till my brain moves on... :)